By Ayman Ghouri
When someone asks, “Are you okay?” or “How are things going?”, it can often feel like a simple question. For many people, it can serve as an important starting point for a conversation about how they are really doing deep down. However, a simple question does not necessarily always lead to an honest answer. Someone may respond with “I’m fine” even when they are undergoing emotional distress, struggling with their mental health, or experiencing a rather challenging time.
During Suicide Awareness Month, it is important to recognize that conversations surrounding mental health and suicide prevention should extend beyond a singular question. People may not always feel comfortable with disclosing what they are experiencing, especially when they are unsure how others will respond. Creating opportunities for conversations, listening without judgment, and checking in can encourage individuals to feel more comfortable to seek out help.
Why “Are You Okay?” May Not Be Enough
Asking someone if they are okay is still very important as it signifies that we have noticed and are willing to take part in a conversation. However, questions such as “Are you okay?” can sometimes be difficult to answer honestly. A person may not know how to communicate or can struggle to articulate what they are feeling, may not want to worry someone else, or may not be ready to talk.
This is why check-ins require more than simply asking a question and accepting the initial response. Rather than immediately moving on and dismissing after someone says they are “fine,” we can create space for them to share more if they choose to. Following up with questions such as “How have you actually been feeling lately?” or “Is there anything you want to talk about?” can better communicate that we are genuinely interested in how they are feeling and truly care.
There is also no single tell tale sign that can tell us whether someone is experiencing suicidal thoughts. People may show different signs, while others may show few or no noticeable signs. This makes it especially important not to rely upon whether someone appears to be struggling.
Creating Space for Honest Conversations
Meaningful check-ins are not about forcing someone to talk. Instead, they are about making it easier for someone to open up when they are ready. One way to do this is by approaching conversations with empathy rather than immediately trying to solve the problem. When someone shares that they are struggling, our first instinct may be to offer some advice or find a solution.
However, sometimes what a person needs most is to be acknowledged. Listening without judgment and allowing someone to express their feelings can help them feel less alone. It is also important to take what someone says seriously. Statements about feeling hopeless, being a burden, or not wanting to be here should not be dismissed or overlooked. Providing a safe space means allowing people to express emotions without making them feel ashamed for having them.
Going Beyond “I’m Fine”
A meaningful check-in does not necessarily have to be a serious conversation. Sometimes, it can be as simple as sending a text to a friend we have not heard from in a while, asking a colleague how they have been doing, or checking in with a family member after a challenging experience.
Consistency can also make a difference. Checking in only when someone appears to be struggling can make these types of conversations feel “out of the blue.” Regularly asking people how they are doing can instead help normalize dialogue about mental health and make it easier for someone to reach out when support is needed. 9-8-8 emphasizes that conversations surrounding suicide do not need to occur only during a crisis. Being open to talk about suicide can help make it easier for people to reach out for additional support when they do need it most.
Most importantly, we should not assume that someone is okay simply because they tell us they are. If something feels “off” or different or we have a genuine reason to be concerned. It is okay to check in again if necessary, however this does not mean repeatedly pressuring someone to talk. It means reminding them that they’re able to share whenever they feel ready, on their terms.
Talking About Suicide
The most difficult part of meaningful check-ins can be knowing when and how to talk about suicide. People may worry that asking someone directly about suicide will make the situation somehow worse. However, Canadian suicide prevention guidance states that asking someone if they are thinking about suicide does not increase the risk and allows for important conversations.
If there is an alternative reason to believe someone may be thinking about suicide, it is sometimes okay to ask directly. This could consist of, “Are you having thoughts about suicide?” or “Are you considering ending your life. The goal is not to interrogate someone or immediately find the perfect response. It is to give them a chance to talk honestly about what they are experiencing. Oftentimes, how we choose to respond and react matters just as much as asking the question. Listening, remaining non-judgmental, and letting the person know that they are not alone can help create a supportive conversation. If someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, they can also be encouraged to connect with professional or crisis support.
Support Does Not End After One Conversation
It can be easy to think that once someone has opened up, the conversation is over. However, meaningful support is not necessarily a one-time thing. This means continuing to check in can remind someone that they are still cared for even long after the initial conversation has concluded.
This does not mean that one person has to become responsible for another person’s mental health. Supporting someone can involve helping them connect with a trusted person, counsellor, crisis service, or professional support.
If you or someone you know is experiencing emotional distress or a challenging time, DCO Member Centres provide free, confidential support and referrals. Many centres operate 24/7, with services available by phone, text, chat, and additional formats depending on the location. Visit DCO’s Member Centre locations page to find a centre near you https://www.dcontario.org/locations/.
In Canada, anyone thinking about suicide or worried about someone else can call or text 9-8-8. The service is available 24/7 and provides support without judgment. In the case of an emergency, dial 9-1-1 or contact the nearest emergency department.
Moving Beyond the Question
Questions such as “Are you okay?” will always be an important step forwards in the right direction. It can be the starting point or green light for a conversation that someone may have been waiting to have. However, meaningful check-ins often require us to go beyond merely asking the question.
They require us to listen when someone answers. They require us to notice when someone may need additional help or support. They require us to follow up, even after the conversation has ended. Most importantly, they require us to create a safe and welcoming environment where people feel that they can be honest about what they are experiencing without fear of judgment.
Suicide Awareness Month provides an opportunity to reflect on how we engage with the people around us. We may not always know what someone is carrying, and we cannot always recognize when someone is struggling. What we can do is make an effort to be present, ask meaningful questions, listen without judgment, and remind others that they don’t have to experience it alone.