By Regan Roberts
Every February, the same messages flood our screens, stores, and conversations. Hearts, roses, chocolates, candlelit dinners. Valentine’s Day arrives with an unmistakable cultural script: love means romance, and romance means being partnered. Whether subtle or overt, the message is persistent—romantic relationships are the most important, most meaningful, and most valid form of connection.
For many people, young adults and teens, this narrative can feel overpowering. It suggests that being single is a temporary state to escape, that emotional fulfillment is incomplete without a romantic partner, and that love itself is narrow rather than expansive. For those not in romantic relationships—by choice, by circumstance, or by timing—Valentine’s Day can feel less like a celebration and more like a reminder of what they are supposedly missing.
De-centring romance is not about rejecting romantic love. It is about questioning why romance has been placed at the centre of our social value system and what gets lost when we allow one type of relationship to dominate all others. It is a push to recognize that love, care, and connection exist in many forms—and that these forms are not secondary, lesser, or “placeholders” for romance.
As conversations about identity, mental health, and community continue to evolve, de-centring romance offers an opportunity to broaden how we define love, belonging, andfulfillment—especially around a commercial holiday that has long reinforced narrow expectations.
How Romance Became the Centre of Everything
Romantic relationships are not inherently problematic. They can be joyful, supportive, challenging, and deeply meaningful. The issue lies not in romance itself, but in how society elevates it above all other forms of connection.
From an early age, people are socialized into romantic narratives. Movies, books, music, and social media repeatedly portray romantic love as the ultimate goal. Friendship is often framed as temporary or transitional. Family relationships are assumed rather than celebrated. Community care is rarely highlighted at all. The “happy ending” almost alwaysinvolves a romantic partner.
This framing often unconsciously teaches people that:
- Romantic love is the highest form of love
- Being single is a problem to solve
- Emotional intimacy should primarily come from a partner
- Life milestones are incomplete without romance
These ideas can shape how people view themselves and others. Relationship status becomes a marker of success or maturity. People may stay in unhealthy relationships out of fear of being alone or rush into relationships before they are ready, because they feel behind.
De-centring romance asks a simple but powerful question: What if romantic relationships were just one meaningful connection among many, rather than the centrearound which everything else revolves?
The Pressure to Couple Up
Around Valentine’s Day, the pressure to be romantically involved intensifies. Social media fills with photos of couples, engagement announcements, and curated displays of affection. Retail spaces reinforce the idea that love must be purchased and exchanged between partners. Even well-meaning comments like “You’ll find someone someday” can imply that being single is a problem waiting for resolution.
This pressure can be especially heavy for young people navigating identity, independence, and self-worth. Teens and those in their twenties are often told that dating is a necessary part of growing up—that romantic experience equals emotional maturity. Those who are uninterested in dating, questioning their orientation, prioritizing other goals, or simply not ready can feel out of step with their peers.
For some, this pressure leads to comparison and self-doubt:
- Why don’t I have what others have?
- Am I unlovable?
- Am I falling behind?
De-centring romance helps relieve this pressure by reframing what a meaningful life looks like. It allows people to value themselves and their connections without measuring them against romantic expectations.
Expanding the Definition of Love
One of the most important aspects of de-centring romance is recognizing that love exists in many forms, each deserving of recognition and care.
Friendship as a Core Relationship
Friendships are often treated as secondary to romantic partnerships, yet they can be some of the most enduring and supportive relationships in a person’s life. Friends show up during heartbreak, transitions, celebrations, and everyday moments. They provide emotional intimacy, shared history, and mutual growth.
When romance is centred, friendships may be unintentionally deprioritized. Plans are cancelled. Emotional needs are redirected exclusively to a partner. Over time, this can weaken broader support systems and increase isolation if a romantic relationship ends. By prioritizing friendships as central rather than optional, people can develop more resilient and varied emotional connections.
Family and Chosen Family
Family relationships—whether biological or chosen—are another form of love that often goes uncelebrated in mainstream narratives. Support from parents, siblings, grandparents, caregivers, and chosen family members can be foundational to a person’s well-being.
Not everyone has a healthy or supportive family, and it’s important to acknowledge that reality. De-centring romance means acknowledging that care and connection can come from sources beyond romantic partners. Chosen family—friends, mentors, and community members who provide love and support—can be just as meaningful, if not more so, than traditional family structures.
Community and Collective Care
Community is one of the most overlooked forms of connection. Shared spaces, interests, causes, and experiences can foster a sense of belonging that extends beyond individual relationships. Whether it’s a sports team, a classroom, an online group, a volunteer organization, or a neighbourhood, community care reminds us that we are not only meant to navigate life alone or in pairs. Collective support can reduce loneliness, increase resilience, and create opportunities for connection that are not dependent on romantic attachment.Encouraging people to invest in these communal bonds rather than relying solely on one person for emotional fulfillment.
Self-Connection and Self-Respect
Self-love is often marketed as bubble baths and positive affirmations, especially around Valentine’s Day. While those things can be meaningful, self-connection runs deeper.
It includes:
- Knowing your boundaries
- Respecting your needs
- Allowing yourself to grow without comparison
- Building a sense of identity not defined by relationship status
When romance is centred, self-worth can become tied to external validation. Choosing to de-centre romance allows people to cultivate a relationship with themselves that is grounded, compassionate, and independent of whether they are partnered.
What De-Centring Romance Is Not
It’s important to clarify what de-centring romance does not mean:
- It is not anti-romance. Romantic relationships can still be celebrated, valued, and enjoyed.
- It is not about rejecting intimacy or commitment. It’s about distributing emotional importance more evenly across different types of relationships.
- It is not about telling people they don’t need others. Humans are social beings, and connection is essential.
- Rather, de-centring romance is about choice and balance—allowing romantic relationships to exist without overshadowing all other forms of love.
Why This Matters for Mental Health
When romantic relationships are treated as the primary or sole source of emotional fulfillment, they can become heavily overloaded. One person is often expected to meet an unrealistic range of needs, including companionship, validation, emotional support, excitement, and even a sense of purpose. This dynamic can place significant strain on both the relationship and the individuals within it, increasing the risk of disappointment, conflict, and emotional exhaustion.
When a romantic relationship ends, individuals who have centred their entire emotional world around that partnership may feel untethered and profoundly alone. In contrast, those who maintain diverse support systems—such as close friendships, family connections, community involvement, and a strong sense of self—often experience greater emotional stability during periods of change or loss. These broader networks can act as protective factors, helping people navigate transitions with resilience rather than isolation.
Valentine’s Day can intensify these dynamics by amplifying social and cultural expectations around romantic love. For individuals in relationships, the pressure to perform romance in specific, idealized ways may lead to stress, anxiety, or feelings of inadequacy. For those who are single or navigating relationship challenges, the holiday can heighten feelings of loneliness, social exclusion, or self-doubt. Social media often compounds this effect, as curated images of grand gestures and seemingly perfect relationships dominate feeds, reinforcing narrow narratives about what love “should” look like (Clarity Clinic, 2024).
The psychological impact of Valentine’s Day varies widely depending on personal experiences and circumstances. For some, the day offers genuine joy, connection, and an opportunity to deepen meaningful bonds. For others, it may exacerbate existing feelings of isolation, unworthiness, or grief. These responses are not a reflection of personal failure, but rather a response to powerful cultural messaging that prioritizes romantic connection above all else.
Valentine’s Day can be particularly challenging for individuals who have experienced trauma, abuse, or loss within past relationships. The occasion may trigger memories or emotional responses tied to those experiences, potentially intensifying symptoms associated with post-traumatic stress, depression, or anxiety. In this context, acknowledging and validating one’s emotional responses becomes essential. Recognizing that mixed or difficult feelings are both common and understandable can help reduce self-judgment and create space for self-compassion during an emotionally complex time (Clarity Clinic, 2024).
De-centring romance supports mental health by:
- Reducing loneliness through multiple connections
- Encouraging healthier boundaries
- Lessening comparison and inadequacy
- Promoting independence and self-trust
For young people especially, this shift can help normalize different timelines and life paths, reducing anxiety around dating and relationships.
Tips for Managing Valentine’s Day Feelings
Even outside formal support, these can help:
- Plan inclusive activities with friends or family.
- Limit social media time around the holiday if triggers arise.
- Journal your emotions — not to judge them, but to understand them.
- Reach out to a trusted adult (parent, teacher, counsellor).
- Practice grounding exercises like deep breathing, stretching, or music — especially when emotions feel big.
Remember:
Valentine’s Day affects everyone differently — being thoughtful or emotional about it doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means you’re human. Reaching out for support is a strength, not a burden.
Reimagining Valentine’s Day
Valentine’s Day does not have to disappear for de-centring romance to take place. Instead, it can be reimagined. Rather than a holiday exclusively for couples, Valentine’s Day can become a celebration of care in all its forms.
Reimagining the holiday may include writing meaningful notes of appreciation to friends, teachers, or mentors who have played an important role in your life. It could look like spending intentional, unrushed time with the people who matter most, whether that’s over a shared meal, a long walk, or a simple check-in that says, “I’m thinking of you.” For others, itcould mean volunteering, engaging in acts of kindness, or finding small ways to give back to the community. And sometimes, it’s as simple—and as necessary—as doing something nourishing for yourself, without guilt, explanation, or pressure to justify it.
Many people have already begun embracing alternatives like Galentine’s Day or Palentine’s Day, expanding the celebration beyond romantic partnerships. While these reframes are meaningful, the deeper shift comes from changing the narrative itself—not just renaming the event. When love is no longer viewed as scarce, conditional, or reserved for a single type of relationship, the day opens up in powerful ways.
Understanding love as expansive rather than exclusive allows Valentine’s Day to move beyond comparison and expectation. Instead of highlighting what someone may feel they’re missing, it becomes an opportunity to acknowledge what is already present: friendship, support, growth, care, and connection in its many forms. This broader perspective invites people to define love on their own terms and to celebrate it in ways that feel authentic and fulfilling.
When approached this way, Valentine’s Day shifts from a narrow, pressure-filled holiday into a moment of reflection and gratitude. It becomes less about meeting external standards and more about recognizing the relationships and the self-love that quietly sustain us every day.
Making Space for All Paths
One of the most powerful outcomes of de-centring romance is the validation of different life choices. Some people will prioritize romantic partnerships, while others will prioritize career, creativity, friendship, activism, or personal growth. Many will move between these priorities throughout their lives. There is no single correct path.
When romance is no longer treated as the default or ultimate goal, people are free to define fulfillment on their own terms. This creates a more inclusive society—one that recognizes the worth of people regardless of relationship status.
Conclusion: Love Beyond the Script
De-centring romance is an invitation to step outside a narrow cultural script and imagine a fuller, more inclusive understanding of love. Rather than positioning romantic partnership as the ultimate marker of fulfillment, this shift encourages us to value friendships deeply, invest in community, honour both family and chosen family, and cultivate a meaningful relationship with ourselves. In doing so, love is no longer framed as something earned, achieved, or validated by couplehood, but as something lived and practiced across many areas of life.
Around Valentine’s Day, this perspective becomes especially significant. The holiday often reinforces the idea that love looks one way and belongs primarily to a select few. De-centring romance challenges this assumption and expands the conversation to include everyone, regardless of relationship status. As George (2018) argues, romantic love has been culturally prioritized in ways that can obscure other equally vital forms of connection. When we question that hierarchy, we begin to see love not as scarce or competitive, but as abundant and relational.
Understanding love as expansive rather than exclusive allows Valentine’s Day to move beyond comparison and perceived lack. Love exists in everyday acts of care, mutual support, presence, and responsibility—to friends, communities, and ourselves. These expressions of love are no less meaningful than romance, yet they are often undervalued or overlooked.
By de-centring romance, we do not diminish love; rather, we make room for more of it. This shift offers a more compassionate, realistic, and inclusive framework—one that affirms diverse experiences of connection and invites people to define love on their own terms.
It is not limited to romance. It exists in everyday acts of care, connection, and presence. By de-centring romance, we do not diminish love—we make room for more of it.
References
Clarity Clinic. (2024, February 12). Navigating Valentine’s Day: Understanding its Impact on Mental Health. Claritychi.com; Clarity Clinic. https://www.claritychi.com/blog/valentines-day-impact-on-mental-health
George, A. (2018, July 25). De-Centering Romantic Love. Moving Toward Revolutionary Love.Medium. https://medium.com/@antonia.george/de-centering-romantic-love-moving-toward-revolutionary-love-2bee484fd9a
Lancer, MFT, D. (2025, February 11). 6 Tips For a Mentally Healthy Valentine’s Day | Different Brains. Differentbrains.org. https://differentbrains.org/6-tips-mentally-healthy-valentines-day/
Ricco, V. (2026). Securly – Geolocation sharing. Tawkify.com. https://tawkify.com/blog/from-the-experts/alternative-non-romantic-ways-to-celebrate-valentines-day
Additional Resources
In Canada (including Ontario):
- Kids Help Phone — Free, confidential support 24/7 for youth:
- 📞 1-800-668-6868
- 📱 Text “CONNECT” to 686868
- 💬 Online chat and resources: https://kidshelpphone.ca
If you ever feel unsafe, in danger, or like you might hurt yourself:
- Call Emergency Services immediately:
- 911 in Canada and the U.S.
- Canada Suicide Prevention Service (CSPS):
- 📞 988 (available across Canada)
- 📱 Text 45645
- 💬 Chat online: https://988.ca
International Support
- Befrienders Worldwide:
Find crisis hotlines in your country:
https://www.befrienders.org
Mental Health & Community Support
General Coping & Emotional Health
- Anxiety Canada – Tools & tips for anxiety, stress, resilience:
https://anxietycanada.com
- Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH) – Mental health information:
https://www.camh.ca